Do I owe you an apology?

I don't feel like a part of the fatshion/fat acceptance blogging community. At one time, I did, but that has been fading as I post less and less, and read blogs less frequently. I can't keep up with blogs I know and love, let alone keep track of all the new fashionable fat people sharing their wardrobes and lives online. I think I might feel less engaged in online communities because I feel more engaged in 'in-person' communities. At the very least, I notice the two to be connected  And the more I'm away from the blogging world, the harder I find it to express my passion and personality and life via text and photographs. Perhaps I feel enough of a sense of community and validation in my offline world that I no longer need to seek it online, but I still long to feel like a part of the fat acceptance world again.

I deleted my tumblr this past fall. I utilized it as a way of broadcasting my mental illness in what felt like self-destructive ways, and it was making this sense of isolation I felt from what should be my communities all the more obvious. I remade it, and used it for a few more months while posting less and following significantly fewer people, but the same problems still arose. I finally deleted it again a few months ago, and haven't read anyone's tumblr since then. Which is a shame, because there a lot of really cool people who only use tumblr, but I have so many frustrations with it that it's just easier to avoid it all together.

That being said, I don't want to put an end to this blog or say goodbye to the fatshion blogosphere altogether. It has been an important part of my life for many years, and I still love having a place where I can share my outfits, art, photos, thoughts, or anything else, even if I don't often do that.

So, do I owe you an apology? I doubt that very many folks are regular readers, considering how slow it has been over the last year. But I know that some of you do still read my blog, and I really appreciate the kind and compassionate comments I've received on my last two posts regarding mental health.

How many times do I try to start anew? Once more, perhaps? A hundred times more?

Hello again, I'm Sonia. When I started this blog, I was a fat, crazy seventeen year-old girl starting my final year of high school. Now, I'm a fat, crazy queer femme girl in my third year of university (though not likely to graduate soon). I moved to a city where I knew no one, and fell into a group of really amazing friends. I'm not the most hard-working student, and my mental health hinders me a lot, but I've grown and learned a lot as an artist and my skills are constantly improving. I've started doing spoken word and going to poetry slams. Art openings still make me anxious, but I'm less likely to leave crying within the first five minutes. I love the sense of community I've found here. I seem to have fallen in love with this small Prairie city, and don't even get me started on the big sky. Sometimes my life is boring and monotonous. Sometimes it is so wonderful I am overwhelmed with love and appreciation and awe. Sometimes I am depressed and anxious, feel disengaged or detached with myself and my surroundings. Sometimes I don't quite understand how I've survived so far or how I will continue to do it. But there is a lot about my life I enjoy, and I want to share that with you through this blog. 

I hope some of you will want to be a part of that.

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